Shame

I've been ashamed of my self the whole month. I'm 26 years old and I still haven't fisnished the university. I don't have a job. I don't think I'm good for the career I studied. It's been stressful and, on top of that, the fucking pandemic going around the world made me stay at home. It's kind of ironic but I decided to work on my thesis and make a presentation so my tutors could see what I had but the quarentine started the same week I was going to see them so... Here I am. Feeling bad and terribly wrong with my life.

It's like... I've been lost for so many years. I don't want to do this. I, probably, don't know what to do with my life.

I'll try to finish the corrections my teacher send me two weeks ago but I have no hope at this point.

In a lighter note, I'd like to learn a coreography tonight. I don't have a lot of things to do and exercising could help my mood. Watch me relying on my insuficent flow of hormones.

(The sad part about all of this is that I just realiced I've been struggling with these feelings for years. And it's nowhere to end. I'm hopeless and I'm unable to see the light.)

I'm not lost (yet)

It's been a while since the last post. I think it's because I wasn't feeling good the first week... Then I just forgot. I have been having a little time to do others things among the university and the need to sleep. It is taking time to stick to my new routine. New things that have been happening in my life:

• My English classes started two weeks ago. It's a whole new experience since I haven't been attending any type of study program for two years. All I can say is that it's kind of easy. I know how to express in English almost better than the whole class. What I have to improve is my shyness. I made a friend there, she's really cute, and she's always encouraging me when I our teacher doesn't heart what I said because I'm whispering half the time. Next Saturday I have talk about something I like and it has to last five minutes at most. I haven't chose the topic but I can tell I'm excited!!! I really want to do it.
• Yesterday was the first night I started studying HTML/CSS by myself. I want to learn all I can. In one hand, I feel with this topic like I feel when studying English. There's a lot of things I already know but I don't know how to use them, so I'm doing both things to improve my knowledge and make the useful skills. Maybe someday I can do something about it... I mean, something like a job.
• I've been going to the laboratory for a week and a half. I finished the first experiment and I'm writing for my tutors to tell me when it's going to be analyzed. It's a slow... job... but I have to go every day, from Monday to Friday, to make sure everything is alright. I think it will be over in December. I'm hopeful.

Aside from that, I don't have a lot to say. I'd like to start exercising since I have a weird pain in one of my legs but I still need to be ok with this new routine. Then I'll add a time to do physical stuff. Maybe on Sundays. I'm happy with how the things are.

Another not so good day

I had a really small amount of time to sleep last night and it was: 50% my fault, 50% because of the wheater. For some reason (global warming someone would say) it has beem very hot lately and this time I couldn't close my eyes. I was so mad... Anyway it was about 4:00AM when I finally slept!! But once again, I woke feeling tired (at 8:00AM). Anyway, I went to the university but one of my teachers couldn't attend the reunion we had so we talked and the best option was leaving it to Friday. I'm nervous as fuck because I have till 18/09 to finish this fucking thesis and I don't know if I'll be able to finish to that date. Not only that, I still have to talk to someone in Community Service because I never sent my report and I did that shit two years ago or so. They are gonna kill me and probably won't let me graduate this year. So yes. I don't want to think about that. I literally don't know what to do... Or how to do it. I mean I know that I have to gather all the willpower in the world and talk to them... soon. MAYBE TOMORROW. But I'm a coward and I'll wait till the next week. (I hate my self nowadays.)

Well, I saw some friends. Manuel, Rey, Rai... It was kind of nice. I waited for Rai to finish what he was doing then I took him to the bus stop because he doesn't live in this city.

When I arrived home I slept a few hours. Once again I woke up feeling tired. It has been the same all day long. I write a few words (because I love writing) and now I'm here. It's pretty early so I guess I will take a look in some webs where I can make a little money. I should be working on my thesis but I'm not in the mood. (I never am, hehe.)

Tomorrow I'll have to wake at 5:30AM, like I did yesterday, because I have to go to the doctor again. Let's hope that women goes or I'll be really mad.

I don't know if there's something I'd like to add so... Goodnight.

Not every day has to be successfull

The title says it all.

I waked up feeling nervous but excited at the same time. I had to go to the doctor (oftalmologist) because there has been months and I still have a chalazion in one of my eyelids. I went to one doctor two months ago, she gave a treatment I had to follow for two weeks and yes, it improved my condition but it's not gone at all. (Actually there's a stye in the same eye. It appeared this week and that made me think that I really need help.) Anyway, it was about 5:30AM when I opened my eyes. I took my grandma there (at 6:00AM), that way I could have the oportunity to see the specialist because in that place tends to go a loooot of people and if you arrive a bit late you'll loose the oportunity. I came home, made breakfast, went to the bathroom (I had a random stomachache) and I headed to the clinic. We waited for another hour and at 9:00AM they told us the doctor wouldn't go... YES. THAT WAS ALL. AFTER THREE HOURS OF WAITING. We came home again, my grandma ate something (she didn't want me to bring her something before, sigh) and when she finished I took her to her house.

I was kinda torn between waiting till 1:30PM (doing nothing) or sleeping... But at the end I just waited and then headed to the mall where I see my psycholigist. We talked about what I found on my old blog, what I see in myself and what I want to be (feminine and stuff). I didn't really liked today's appointment, not at 100%, but it's always nice having this time to talk to her. When it was over I came home again. The only thing I can say is that I was sooooo sleepy for God's sake!! I almost fell asleep driving home... I know I shouldn't sleep so late, specially when I have to make so errands so early in the morning but I missed one of my friends so bad and he always comes late-late-late in the night. I think we are gonna talk today too so I think it's time for me to go to bed... It's comfy talking to them while I'm in bed. Anyway, I'm saying nonsense.

Tomorrow I have to talk to my teachers and I'm REALLY nervous. But isn't that the same as always??

I'll try to write longer entries but it's a nice start I guess.

I know I'm the only one reading this thing but: goodnight and have sweet dreams!! (I don't know, maybe I'll be the one reading this in the future.)

Long ass day

It wasn't a long day per se. I left my house about 10:45AM to the mall so I could leave my car there. Sometimes it's really complicated finding a good place where I can park my car (it could be really expensive or there could be NONE) so I chose the mall option this time. The problem was I had to use the subway to go to one location to another and it's... chaotic at less. I didn't remember it was that bad. Or maybe it has gotten worse over the months because I had to wait a LOT for the train to arrive... multiples times. At 1PM I finally arrived to the university!! But, God, I was so tired... I searched for my teachers only to find one of them (I need to talk to both) and he said we needed to had a reunion with the one that was absent. I told him I could go tomorrow (Tuesday) but he said it was better if it was on Wednesday. Then I flee because I had to hand a paper at the institute I'm taking English classes. I DID THAT TOO!! Riding the train I started thinking about the possibility of watching a movie at the mall. Tickets are half their price every Monday and I was excited because the last time I went to the cinema was in June (maybe?). But... At the end I just came home. Not even a single film catched my attention.

I'm still tired, my head hurts a bit but... I gotta say: I feel great making things for myself. It's such a basic thing but... It has been hard for me these months. It's like learning how to walk again. Or run. I want to be able to run soon.

OK. TIME TO TALK ABOUT TOMORROW!!!

There is two important errands I have to complete YES or YES.

And now to finish I'll leave this beautiful song...

Back to this

This is my first time writing a diary entry in 3 years (I think). My first time doing it in English too. The reason behind it? Here I go...

Yesterday I was thinking about picking up my old blog where I used to write about my days as a way of practicing English. I logged in and read a little bit out of curiosity. That was when I realiced that almost all the problems I have now (concerning my poor comunicating skills, self-isolation and lack of direction in life) are the same I had back then. If that's so... I haven't improved a lot in all these months. I thought about that and, somehow, I felt kind of... sad?? Now I'm determined to make real improvements. I mean I THINK I need this place to pour out all my thoughts and feelings. I've been so clouse-mouthed about them in the past years that I think to let them out.

Alright. Leaving that aside, I have to elaborate in which stage of my life I'm in:

1. I've been working on therapy since december 2017. It hasn't been two and a half full years but one and a half, considering there has been months I didn't see my psychologist. I think it has been really beneficial in the sense I've realiced things from myself and around me that kept me grounded. I'll talk more about that in the future.
2. I'm finishing my degree thesis so I'm about to graduate soon. I hope. I'll talk to my teachers tomorrow. That's another thing I'll have to talk more in the upcoming days.
3. Next saturday I'll start going to English classes. I still don't now in which level I'll start. Hopefully not one too low. I think I'll know about it on Wednesday.

Those are the highlights of my life. There are more things I want to do but I need to think more because they are in early stages and maybe some of them won't become a reality... yet.

I'll try to write here everyday at least a few words.

See you tomorrow!